How To Respond To Feedback You Disagree With

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Tip of The Week: How To Respond To Feedback You Disagree With

Perhaps it's your yearly review at work, or someone telling you what they think without you asking. Either way, getting feedback that you don’t agree with can be upsetting and frustrating.

So what should you do when this happens to you?

Firstly, it's not easy, but you take some time to understand what they're saying before you decide whether it's right or not. If you’re comfortable enough, ask them questions to understand what you might be missing and if needs be ask a friend to check your blind spots by sharing their perspective.

What does that look like in detail?

Firstly, resist the temptation to get defensive. Focus on listening to what they have to say with the intent to understand, not to respond. After you’ve done that thank them sincerely for the feedback. Use the pause this creates to manage your emotions and then apply the following tips.

1. Check your understanding - Repeat back what you heard. Show that you are interested in understanding the other person's perspective. Ask questions like, "Did I understand correctly?" to check your understanding.

2. Take your time - Don’t rush to respond. Focus on listening and understanding. If you still can’t see their point of view ask more clarifying questions. If that’s not enough ask for some time to consider their feedback before responding.

3. Find some common ground - If it’s your boss or someone you want to maintain a positive relationship with, look for some common ground and share it with the other person, it will help them understand that you are open to the feedback they are offering.

4. Discuss your disagreement - Explain that you disagree, being clear with what you don’t agree with and why. Do so calmly and clearly focusing on the details, not the person. Don’t let them feel it is a criticism of them.

5. Agree and commit to a course of action - Even if you can’t fully agree, agree to the common ground and agree a course of action. It’s reasonable to suggest that the course of action is to gather more data and adapt to what you both learn.

6. Thank them for their feedback - Without feedback we can’t grow, so thank the other person for taking the time to share their feedback. Show some appreciation, it’s probably been a difficult conversation for them too and their intention was probably to help you.

Always assume the other person has the best intentions, and at the end of the day remember: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

If you disagree with the feedback, the person providing it hasn’t supported it and being honest with yourself you’ve listened with the intent to understand, then ignore it. It will only bother you if you allow it to.

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1. I write another newsletter, Coding Challenges that helps you become a better software engineer through coding challenges that build real applications.

2. I am available for 121 coaching and mentoring.

3. I have a course Become a Better Software Developer by Building Your Own Redis Server (Python Edition) which guides you through solving the Redis Coding Challenge in Python.

4. I occasionally run a cohort based course: Coding Challenges Live: Redis Edition!